A sobering situation: Sobriety and Children

I never felt judged as an alcoholic, maybe because I was drinking, and then maybe because now I’m sober. However, as mother I have never felt so judged. Strangers, blogs, the news, google, old ladies in Target, everyday telling you what you should or shouldn’t do with your kids. Did you brush their teeth? Did you make their Dr’s appointments? Are you teaching them to crawl, talk, colors, numbers and ad infinitum for the rest of life.

I just celebrated 14 years of sobriety, and now have a two year old. The days that Penelope screams all day, I totally understand all the “mom wine culture,” and meme’s like, “You whine, I wine, or mommy juice.” When you think about it, it’s not funny. It is a pop-culture scream from mothers that need help. As a mom in an anonymous program I personally could use a Big Book updated section on how the attachment of little ones alter my program. Even before my 2 yo I had a 9 yo step son who is now 18. I could have used some help on the new emotions it brought. Surprisingly, I had a sponsor with two older children but was tone deaf to my struggles. I had find a new sponsor. I finally understood why moms are all about wine. I needed someone to prepare me for how kids change my program.

Side note: I am very curious if the relapse rate increases for parents from pregnancy, the birth, and through the terrible twos. I can totally understand the struggle.

I know there’s a lot of information on increased relapse rate during mensural cycles. Postpartum depression is something that really challenged me. I wasn’t ready for that either. However, I’m still here my husband is too and still sober. But it wasn’t easy navigating.

I am sure many smarter, more spiritual sober parents can figure it out gracefully. I’ve never been graceful, or that lucky. It has been a slow learning process for me. With anything new, and confusing I go to my sober supports, and sponsor. I was a little baffled at the responses, “You just need a woman’s meeting, you have untreated alcoholism, get a babysitter, or have someone in the meeting watch her.” For those suggesting a babysitter; getting a babysitter for hour or so is not realistic and expensive. No babysitter wants to come for an hour. When a woman says she has postpartum depression, she does not have untreated alcoholism. For years I heard how parents were supported in the rooms. I believed them, and I was eager for spiritual and tolerant meetings with my daughter. The stories old timer say about welcoming kids in meetings and the actual experience of bringing a toddler, do not line up. Sober parents are missing support.

I was so frustrated with my first couple of meetings. After a few weeks, I went online to intergroup, and AA blogs. The most frequent questions and topics I came across:

Should children attend AA meetings with their parents?

Should older kids come to closed meetings?

Can I bring my baby to an AA meeting?

Taking kids to AA meeting?

Would you let a family member take you child to an AA meeting?

The responses go back and forth on being right and/or wrong in bringing your child to AA meetings. It is a major dilemma many parents are facing in AA. My step-son is very familiar with AA. My husband before our marriage was a single dad bringing his 9 yo to meetings. My son has learned many life lessons on alcoholism. I remember when he was little asking about humility. It was a fun topic to talk about.

Looking at AA blogs I found one troll after another saying how awful it was to bring a kid to a meeting. I read about interesting stories and perspectives on why not to bring you children. There was a thread about a child, who accidentally broke anonymity when he notice a member in public and shouted “you go to my mommy’s AA meeting.” These were great topics. I’m not closed-minded to other perspectives. I get that no one wants a crying baby in a meeting and that new comers might be a little too fresh to listen to that all meeting. Honey, I don’t want to hear her cry either, or all day, that’s probably why I needed a meeting in the first place.

In my experience, bringing my toddler to a meeting, results in rolling, glaring eyes, under-the-breath comments, or full on confrontations. I’m usually in the back, and at least 5 people keep are constantly turning around to stare me down. In the very beginning, when I was still fragile from postpartum and my trauma with my daughter’s diagnosis, someone(with lots of time), yelled at me and my daughter. This lady grabbed a book out of my daughters hands so hard, she fell over and became hysterical. Penelope was crying, I was crying, and I now had to leave the meeting.(postpartum depression stuck around for a long time.)

Today, I’m much stronger, and let things roll off my back a little easier. At another meeting, we were told to “shut the F*** up.” She wasn’t crying and was as quiet as she could be. I remained calm and understanding of this man. I told myself there was something more to this guy and I went back the next week. I was told he was in the psych ward. This was an important experience, reinforcing not to react, everyone in this world struggles. Everything I go through has a purpose to be useful to others. Examples from The Big Book: “Most of us sense that real tolerance of other people's shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others.” (BB There is a Solution) “Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means.(12&12 Step 10)

I was not anticipating this new and different side of the program. I have always felt at peace and calm in a meeting. Now, I am on edge with my daughter in my lap, scared I am going to piss someone off. The group conscience of some women’s groups throws me off as well. I had to sit in the back, keep my baby quiet, and leave if she cried. I could never make it with my daughter. She talks or cries too much. I am a big supporter of the 12 Traditions and abiding by them. I never want to cause drama in a meeting, I respect group conscience. In most meetings, thankfully, there are open meetings and only one requirement, a desire to stop drinking and usually no disclaimers about kids.

It’s not all bad. On the other side, I have met some very supportive members who remind me to ignore the haters. I have support from other parents with children who have special needs. At one point, I was going through a horrible time, and went to a mixed meeting. A lovely woman took Penelope outside to a playground. I had to trust her, I was at a very low point. Penelope has lots of medical issues and I had to let it go. After the meeting, sitting in a chair, that kind woman had Penelope completely asleep in her arms. I was so grateful. Supportive members always remind me I am saving my life. With this trying experience, I am able to relate, help and give solution based perspectives to other moms and parents.

We need to be more understanding and patient of the parental struggle. But until that happens, I use “principles over personality.” Meaning that I am going to come across some know-it-alls, or rude people in meetings and life. They may have some good points, and I just need to leave the rest. Forget them if need be. One person does not speak for all. I am as respectful as I can be, and I will face the same meeting anyway.. I have a favorite old timer who was picking up his 44 years, he looked at my baby and I, and made an announcement, “that baby can make as much noise as she wants, she is a miracle. You got a problem, see me.” I was so grateful for him! It takes so much pressure off.

Surviving the meeting with a 2 yo is stressful. I fortunately can miss a meeting and not drink. I have the steps, tools, resources, and support. However, as I see myself struggle for balance, I keep thinking about the new comer with one day sober, with a 2 year old in the terrible-twos trying to go to a meeting. A new comer recently asked me how to do a 90-in-90 with a two year old. I paused for a long time before I answered her. I find it difficult giving advice on things I didn’t have to do. I got sober in my early 20’s kid free.  Would I make that choice with a 2 year old? I don’t know? Would I leave my baby to invest in my uncertain sobriety? That is some scary stuff to wrap my brain around. To get sober though, I know you need to follow suggestions. It is hard to trust people or the process period, even without the added guilt of kids and rude people. And my answer, Yes. Do a 90-in-90. Knowing what I know about sobriety, you do what is suggested. You chase sobriety, like you chased the alcohol. When drinking, would you bring your kids to the liquor store? Well, then bring your kiddos to a meeting. I empathize with the struggle and the difficulty to get sober. No one said it would be easy. I know how difficult it is to get to meetings, and then to have the lack of understanding and support when you bring your child. This is not the program that I come to understand and know. I just think there needs to be a little more awareness of how we treat parents. My deep understanding are examples like these, “Loving, and tolerance is our code.”(BB Into Action.) “Patience, tolerance, understanding and love are the watchwords”.(BB To the Wives) Just know you are saving your life and investing in the security of your child’s future. You will meet members that will support you. Hold onto them for dear life.

I am still learning to be brave. It is not the most comfortable thing to feel, the rolling eyes, and hear, under-the-breath comments. But I believe in being the change you wish to see. I hope to be an example of sober parenting. I never know what I am doing but I stay sober, and I am showing up to my sobriety with my toddler.

I try to stay solution forward. There is a saying: all you need to start a new meeting, is a resentment, and a pot of coffee. As a result, I started a Mommy and Me AA meeting. It can get crazy but every mom in there understands. I love it. We have a pile of toys, and it’s a very open and safe space. It’s still new and sometimes no one shows, and it’s just two of us, but when a new mommy comes it make my heart sing. Many moms cannot come regularly, and it is usually due to sick kids, delivering babies, managing multiples, and work. I totally understand this, I wish more people in the program would understand how hard it is to make a meeting as a parent. Believe me, we want to be in a meeting. I love connecting in this way.

When it comes down to making meetings, I just show up and if we make it 10 min, 30min or 45mins it’s a win. I tried and showed up. There are days we don’t make it out the neighborhood, she has thrown up all over herself or can’t calm down. On days like this I use meditation apps, AA pod casts, or my favorite speakers Kip-C, Joe and Charlie. Or I just check in with all my sober mommies. Sometimes it’s all I can manage. When I do go to a meeting I make sure I have lots of snacks, drinks, and dollar store activities and stickers to get her through the meeting. Stickers are life and support meeting survival.

I would love to hear your experience and hope as a parent in sobriety. Please leave a comment.