Tantrums.

In a matter of days, I ran into the same mom 4 times conveniently, while my child was having a complete melt down. She was wearing a “cool mom” shirt, I got no love, no empathetic look, just a stare at my child laying on the floor crying. She was just standing there throwing shade. Clearly, I’m not “in”with the cool moms. I am not killin-it.

Tantrums are torturous for me. It is complete irrational, toddler panic. My toddler is caught between …I love you, and hate you thing. Come here, nope, changed my mind go away. Shoes on, off, and back and forth we go. She has no idea what she wants. I swear there is this innate, primitive mother connection to cries. After she was born, I heard phantom cries in my sleep for months. A baby crying is like someone scratching on a chalkboard.

There are days I have held her all day long. She won’t go to my husband even though he tries to give me a break. At the end of the day I’m done.

She was screaming down the street mommy! Mommy! That face I just feel so bad.

There are hundreds of articles about solutions to the terrible-two tantrum. The biggest one is the acronym H. A. L. T. Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. Meet these needs and you should be straight. Honestly, in my ha ha, humble opinion, I don’t think there is any one solution to fix the tantrum. It’s a developmental stage that will just take time. I think all toddlers have unique needs. They are learning and growing quickly. My approach to her tantrum, evolves week to week. We as caretakers are the best at figuring it all out Some toddlers need cuddles, while others need a long walk. Some need ba-ba’s, blankies, or pacifiers. They can’t communicate, it’s a lot of trial and error on how to help them. What I learned is that I constantly make the mistake of giving into her tantrums. She will instantly stop crying by doing/giving what she wants, but it perpetuates more crying in the long run. I had to look at myself and why I keep giving in. There are a lot of “perfect” moms out there. I am, by far, not one of them. Have you ever made the mistake of regularly giving a toddler your phone?! OMG don’t do it! Let’s just say it’s a nightmare worse than weaning a paci or bottle. Bad WiFi connection is a tantrum just waiting to happen. I’m so whipped. I won’t go to certain grocery stores because the WIFI is bad. I use the phone to turn her into a behaving zombie so I can shop. I see adults have tantrums over WiFi imagine the monster I created with my toddler. We are slowly working on it. IPhone=Tantrums, trust me!

I will and have been “extra” when it comes to solving a tantrum and every other problem in my life. I’m one of those people who researches some crazy stuff. I stumbled onto a toddler breathing technique called “smell the flowers.” When I started introducing the idea she would just get more enraged. Like Hulk enraged. I kept at it and even have fake flowers to smell. I sprayed a little lavender on them. If I get her right before, or at that fat-bottom-lip phase of the tantrum I can get her to clam down. She literally takes a deep breath, laughs and smells the flowers. It’s great, but not a garrenteed solution for tantrums. When I have tried everything, and we have reach critical overload, and I’m about to cry. I’ll place her in her crib. She can have her moment in the crib, and I can gain some sanity. She may cry for 15 minutes, she may, or may not take a short nap, but once done crying she is good to go. If I don’t put her in the crib it might take an hour for her to calm down. For whatever reason she loves her crib and it resets her. The worst is when I get stuck in the car with a tantrum, I about die. I can’t stop the car, we would get nowhere. I started putting on headphones to drown cries that last longer than 30min or on days I’m just not at my best.

Giving into a tantrum is a short term solution, and I understand, it perpetuates the problem. I can’t help myself, I give in so much. What I do notice is when I am burnt out and tired from the day, I’m powerless over tantrums. When I am fresh and rested, I am able to be fun, even in the face of a two year old tantrum. I can distract her into something else. But if I am burnt out and tired from the day, I make the tantrum worse with my bad attitude. The next best thing for a tantrum is to check my motives, emotions, and feelings about her tantrum. I think even appling H.A.L.T. to myself…

Hungry?

Angry?

Lonely or Tired?

All of the above?

Great I’m doomed.

When I take a step back from a tantrum, I can see where my emotions and impatience are effecting my problem solving. Some days I get frustrated because I can’t figure out tantrums quickly, and selfishly or not, when I get upset my motive is wanting to complete whatever to-do list I have or my plan for mommy-daughter fun has been derailed by hour long crying. I also feel left out of the perfect mom club so I put more stress into the situation by expecting perfection. For example running into that mom 4 times is a little embarrassing when my daughter is never happy. It is easy to give in to fear of being incapable during a bad tantrum and especially during public tantrums.

Um, just know you are killing it, believe me! I know you are handling that cray-cray. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel that way. Feelings don’t always equal truths.

On another note, I roll my eyes when someone suggests “self care.” I look up self care techniques and lol found one that says “bring out your wedding album and reminisce.”

Um, who are you talking to? Reminisce of my wedding day?!? How bout you reminisce the days you were toddler free?! Who thinks of this?

My self care is in direct proportion to my ability to handle a tantrum. Yes, I am suppose to take of myself, in order to take care of others, but I’m a busy, savage, momma, I have no time for self care. That’s my feelings on it, I don’t like it , but I know I need a break to reset my own patience. When I find myself getting frustrated, it is time for some self care. My husband is an amazing partner and always offers mommy-time outs, but I don’t always take them because I feel guilty. I even have friends who would love to take Penelope but I have this mission to be in charge all the time. Just a little alone time upstairs helps, or going for a walk or run resets me. Haivng a toddler climb and touch you all day can be overwhelming. There are days I see my dog who just naturally knows how to take-it-easy and I’m jealous. I’m like that bitch! Just laying there, rubbing it in my face. I mean really! Look at that pup. She’s got the life.

Ugh it’s the truth though. In the end, I hate it, but I have to take care of myself. As a nurse I would do back-to-back 8 days in a row, 12hour shifts, sometime 16hour days. My tolerance of things would wear thin toward the end. Think about it, as caretakers we wake up at 7am and don’t stop till 10pm, that’s 15hours! Nurses have laws that say they can’t work so many hours and so many days in a row because of patient safety. As toddler caretakers we have those same hours and need those breaks. There’s no law for us, so honey, you better make that time!